


The Stand In

by DaisyFairy



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Afterlife, Crowley cannot follow instructions, Crowley is Death, Crowley is not dead, Gen, Post-Apocalypse, The Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22654477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisyFairy/pseuds/DaisyFairy
Summary: Death is fed up after the whole Apocalypse-that-wasn't and goes on holiday. Someone has to do the job.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	The Stand In

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this little scene that popped into my mind.

Philip Stephens was rapidly coming to the conclusion that he is dead. The main evidence is going to be his own body lying broken at his feet, coupled with the fact he wasn’t able to touch the body or any of the rocks or sand on the ground at the base of the cliff he seems to have fallen off of, his hands passing straight through them. Everything seems to be fading into a mist and he considered trying to get back into his body, but decides that a body that wrecked probably wouldn’t be a fun place to live.

It is going to be gone soon now anyway, instead he seemed to be standing in a rapidly thickening fog which soon turns into a world of white in every direction. 

Something seems to have gone wrong with time too.

After standing there for a microsecond that lasted eternity and happened last week a figure appeared from the distance that didn’t exist, coming nearer at an improbable speed and also having always been there.

As it comes closer it resolves into a man with a dark jacket, sunglasses, tight trousers, red hair and, and, light up heelys with smoke coming from the wheels.

The man came to a screeching halt in front of Philip and is going to say,

“Sorry, sorry. The last one took longer than I expected. I’m here now and...oh, hold on.” He snapped his fingers and time falls into place as if someone has put all of the jigsaw pieces together.

“That’s better!! Can’t have you drifting around the 4th dimension like that, your brain will probably explode or something.”

“Um, who are you? Am I dead?”

“Yes, yes. Just give me a second.” He pulls a clipboard from the ether. “Right, Mr Philip Robin Stephens?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Ok, I’m here to tell you that you are dead, welcome to the afterlife.”

“You? I was expecting...you know...with a skull? On a horse? Big scythe?”

Oh, yes. Old Azrael. He’s in a bit of a snit I’m afraid. After we stopped Armageddon. It was meant to be one last big push and then an eternity long retirement for him.”

“You stopped...Armageddon?”

“You’re welcome. Well, not made much difference to you I s'pose. But, extra few months eh, can’t be bad. Hope you used them well.”

“So, you’re the new guy?”

“Oh Heaven no. Old Az, he said 'BUGGER THIS, I’M GOING ON HOLIDAY.’” Crowley says in a fairly accurate impression of the fourth horseman that makes Philip's ears ring.

“So the Archangel Gabriel, he said, ‘Principality Aziraphale, you caused this fucking mess, you get the fuck out there and do his fucking job until I persuade him to come back'.”

Philip’s eyes widen, “He said fuck?!?”

Crowley looks elated at this question. “Yes! See, that’s what I thought. Plays all holier than thou and then uses language like that. Blasted hypocrite. Anyway. So that’s what happened.”

“So, that’s you then. Aziraphale?”

“Um. No. He’s on his tea break. You do not want to meet him if he’s been deprived his tea and scones. No. The Demon Crowley, at your service.”

Philip takes several steps back, that unfortunately don’t seem to take him anywhere. “Are you taking me to hell?”

Crowley wrinkles his nose, “Naah, not up to me. I’m just here to tell you that you’re dead and send you on to St Paul for judging. It’s over there.” He points along a pathway that appears behind a swirl of mist. “So, off you go.”

Philip looks around and shuffles his feet, very unenthusiastic to get underway. “Do you, d'you think I’ll get in. I don’t really want to go down....there. No offense.”

Crowley frowns and then turns to his clipboard, “Um, lets see. Kind to cats, volunteered for charity, and Oh deary me. Armed robbery. Doesn’t look good I’m afraid.”

“It wasn’t loaded.”

“I see.” Crowley continues reading, “Did it to pay your mum’s medical bills too. Hmm.”

“Please. Is there anything you can do? Put in a good word for me?”

“They’re bunch of stuck up pricks up there. Not sure if they’ll let you off this one, and I don’t think old Paul would listen to the likes of me.”

Philip feels a thrill of terror break through the fog of shock that he has been operating under up until now. A few tears roll down his face.

“Oh, blast it. Fine. Look. Follow the path, but when you get to the big rocks take a right and keep going until you hit the wall. It's pretty high, not gonna be easy, but get over that and you’re in. It’s not like you’re short of time. Once you're in no one will question it, right? Just act like you belong and stay away from Paul at the office parties.”

“Really? Oh, thank you, thank you.”

Crowley waves a dismissive hand at him, already focussed on the next sheet on his clipboard, “Yeah, yeah. Have a good afterlife.”

Crowley starts muttering to himself, “They were how young?”

Philip takes a few steps along the path, then comes back, “Maybe, could your next appointment come with me? We could climb the wall together?”

Crowley grins at him with a mouth full of fangs, “No, I'm delivering this next one downstairs myself. I know just the spot for him.”

Crowley whizzes off through the mist until all that can be seen are the flashes of multicoloured light from his heelys, and then they too are gone. Philip turns back to the path and sets off. There doesn’t seem to be anywhere else to go.

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that the death character in this probably owes more to Terry Pratchett's Discworld Death than to the canonical Good Omens one.
> 
> The idea of Crowley in light up heelys came from [this](https://daisyfairy1.tumblr.com/post/190533537615/vateacancameos-ineffablelovebirds-crowley) Tumblr post 😁
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, I'd love to hear your thoughts.


End file.
